| i kiss the boys for free then steal their wallets... |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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[Monday
June 18th, 2007
5:35am] |
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I'm officially broken.
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| what i wish i could write to you |
[Thursday
June 14th, 2007
12:56am] |
I miss you. I miss watching those late night rerun hockey games after you got out of work, and telling you about my dull day. I loved introducing you to new things and having you experience it with me. I just had sushi for the first time and I wish you were there with me. I miss your forehead kisses. I wish I hadn't broken up with you the way that I had, but you left me no choice. I wish we never got into a relationship, and you had told me that we should just keep things the way they were. I wish you could stand to be in the same room with me so we could talk. It was weird to see you in the bar, see you see me and then leave. I wish I knew that you missed me too. Just a little bit. I guess I'll never know and that's the reason why I'm still missing you. I miss closure. I deserve that much after all that you never gave me.
I secretly wish you read this.
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[Saturday
May 19th, 2007
11:30pm] |
my exboyfriend would rather get drunk than talk to me and im still upset about it a month later.
why cant i find a boy who finds me priceless?
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[Friday
March 23rd, 2007
12:53am] |
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mood |
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 good |
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I'll tell you, growing up is not what it seems. I am finding more and more days that I am unsure of what i want to do/should do. Bills and responsibility are milestones for growing up. My job is starting to get better, and I'm starting to get back to being the person I used to be in middle school, which I thoroughly enjoy. I have my ups and downs but now I know how to look at them and I'm making good friends so that I can tell them what I'm thinking and bounce off of them as to what to do and when I'm just thinking too much. Hey Kimmy, people are never what you think they are. And this sucks. Adam too. I'm sorry, but we all just change so much its ridiculous. Even in a week people's ideals can change, especially at our age. But you keep looking, and you just learn to let some minor things go since the people you can go through in the world is getting a bit smaller. I don't act like I know what I'm talking about, but that just seems to be my experience. I'm pretty grateful for my life at the moment, and I haven't felt this way in so long, since maybe middle school? I have a good job, good people, I'm getting back to my old self, and for the first time ever I have someone who cares about me just as much as I do them; who treats me well, and is THE nice guy. I'm certainly going to enjoy it all while it lasts. OH and its spring. It's about damn time. My academics have been getting back together now. Joe kind of helps, as much as I hate to admit, since I like to plan my working time so that on the weekends I can spend time with him. I'm going home for Easter this year. should be an interesting debacle. heh
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[Wednesday
February 21st, 2007
3:49am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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so i might be meeting joe's mom this weekend?
"she's a hit or miss with most people. depends on how much she's had to drink"
what the hell does that mean? am i in trouble or is he afraid that i wont like her?
blah. parents and dating is stupid. such a mature response
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| lately ive been having trouble sleeping at night, side effects they dont advertise... |
[Wednesday
February 7th, 2007
2:57am] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
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what a week. just lately ive noticed how much ive changed over the past three years. and i hate it. i know who i was and who i should be, but i swear those past four years have pounded me down into a soft spoken, tread lightly creature who i do not recognize. I used to be sharp, witty, loud, smart, and so confident. then the three years of going into high school,and my mom, i got very depressed. shitty thing is that no one noticed. not even me. i had no idea what was going on. and now im dealing with the consequences. and its so much harder. now that i recognize the fact, im trying to change myself, but that takes so damn long. from now on, im going to let go of my complexes that have built up over the years. i am a deep thinker, which has always ruined relationships for me. i need to know when to swim in the ocean and when to splash in the wading pool. my academics have gone down the drain. after three years it becomes a habit. definitely need to stop that, because i care so much of how i do in school. also i want to become more productive and active in life. join the intramural tennis or soccer team which i loved to play. go work out more now after my ankle is thankfully now healed. im going to stop censoring myself around others, i hate how i do that now. HATE IT. im going to start seeing someone so that they can help me with this, since i know its twice as hard to do on my own. i dont know if i should even tell joe about this. let him know whats up and what to expect. but then again, will alot really change other than my ability to make him happier just being with me? who knows. ill keep you strangers posted on my progress, if not for you, then just for me to let it out.
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[Saturday
February 3rd, 2007
11:40pm] |
the job is getting better. my boss told me that it seems like i don't really care about my team. well, i dont. but now i know im going to have to do a better job at covering that up. school is going alright. ive started to go tanning. it just reminds me of the beach and the summer and it makes me happy. im going to get a gym membership with my next paycheck. it was delayed because of my sprained ankle. OH! the car accident. completely forgot. so my birthday was the 18th, and on the 19th three of my friends and i were going to go out to dinner for a celebration. well on our way there, the guy in front of us stopped short and allie spun into oncoming traffic. the car was hit on jess' and my side. the car was totaled. it was really scary at first because i had blood everywhere and i didnt know what the hell happened to me. turns out little scratches on the face bleed like hell.everyone kept asking us if we had been drinking, which pissed me off quite a bit. no, we're not some dumb fucks who went drinking and driving, we hit a patch of ice, pricks. i only sprained my ankle, but jess ended up breaking her hip. she had to get surgery the next day. im amazed that she is home already, they let her go home only a day after the surgery. today she told me she isnt coming back up to state to finish out the semester. im going to miss going to lunch with her everyday. im going to miss her in general. i wish i had a car so we could all go out and see her. this summer though i think she is going to take the courses she's missing so we can do that together since ill be up here.
that night i wish joe was with me. which made me think that i like him more than i let on, and now we're dating. he's handsome, 6-4, and makes me laugh. i love his laugh.
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[Friday
December 22nd, 2006
4:13am] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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so here's the bullshit-- i find it very hard to be myself around certain people. i dont know what consitutes these certain people, but it happens. I got the promotion that i really wanted, and that everyone else wanted me to get. So now that I'm supervisor...things are changing politically. and i hate it. Things are shady, and I just dont know where I fit in or if I'm even good enough for the job. I dont know. Im having major doubts. Caitlin doesnt really care for me as she did before i spent the night at joe's. Nothing happened. I'm not that easy, but granted it looks horrible. She's changed towards me. And that bothers me because I really liked her. And Molly too. But theyre best friends so I guess that was bound to happen. i'm not trying to fit in like they want me too, and its not going too well. i talk. im quirky. sometimes i dont have to talk to someone. sometimes not butting into a conversation is alright. im very awkard at first. with everything. i just am. and its not going too well. I still havent thought of a team name yet.
i swear alot. ill change that.
im too loud sometimes. i have to control myself.
new years resolutions came early.
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[Tuesday
December 19th, 2006
8:58am] |
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mood |
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 worried |
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i honestly have no idea what i want to do with my life anymore.
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[Friday
December 8th, 2006
4:48pm] |
so today i just realized the person i am becoming.
i like her alot.
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[Monday
November 20th, 2006
6:06am] |
im aware that this is lame.
but i feel so alone.
and i have so many great friends who care.
and i feel guilty for feeling so.
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[Sunday
November 19th, 2006
6:26am] |
im not going to lie. i miss mark like crazy. insane. i think about him alot. but how could i still want to be friends with a guy who ditches me for three months because of his crazy girlfriend? i dont know. maybe i just havent met anyone else like him so im stuck on him. was he even all that great? yes. i could tell him anything. damn it.
his girlfriend threatened me to never speak to him again.
it just makes me want to go to where mark works and try to get a job there.
today i saw ashley for the first time in so long. we mentioned differences as old acquaintances do. she asked if i had a boyfriend. nope. yet again. i like messing around. im not going to lie. when else is it ever going to be this way? but now i just really want to settle down a bit and have one guy i can have, not to share. and for him not to share me. but nothing too serious. blah. i just miss having someone. i dont even care about sex! ..alright thats a lie. but it would be a nice benefit of having someone.
i wish i was more eloquent.
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| what a night |
[Sunday
November 5th, 2006
10:24pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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things are hectic.
im trying to figure out how to pay for school.
im not going to be an accountant. im switching to marketing and/or advertising and its scaring the shit out of me.
im going for supervisor at the end of this semester at University Development.
how can i afford an apartment?
how can i afford anything.
blah.
went to see the MARS VOLTA AND REDHOT CHILI PEPPERS on friday. what a story. so i copy and pasted from an email to my friend-- enjoy.
"alright so last night was the mars volta and red hot chili peppers concert. mark and i were supposed to go when we bought the tickets over the summer. well he hasnt talked to me at all since he moved in with his girlfriend this semester. screw him, i gave his ticket to my roommate amanda. we had a car, but then her parent's car broke down and they had to use the one we were going to use. so now we have no car. i message mark saying that we dont have a ride and he can have the tickets for $60. he says he and his gf broke up and if she leaves this weekend he can take me. yea well i never got another response so....whatever. its friday and im in my isp lab, about three hours before i was supposed to leave for the show if i had a ride. so i start explaining to angela and mike why im so upset and mike goes "im going!" yes! love you mike. he gives me and amanda a ride to the show, but he cant give us a ride home because he's going to port huron afterwards with his brother. alright. so before we leave i noticed brendan's [person we both used to talk to last year] away message "red hot chili peppers concert in d-town". great maybe he can give us a ride back to state. we call him and he says he probably can but he'll have to call us in 10 - 20 minutes. so we're rushing to get ready, and we meet mike and start driving to auburn hills. a little while into the ride we notice that brendan hasnt called us. we call him.......yea forwarded us to voicemail. three times. fucker. it was a good ride up none the less. mike is going to teach me how to play guitar. i said that "i like granholm more than dick".....heh yea. it was sweet. so we're like 10 minutes onto 69 east and we hit major traffic. we get off at an exit and go to a gas station to see if theres a way we can avoid this traffic. well as we're pulling into the gas station, the fucker in front of us that just pulled in starts to back up. he hits mikes car. his car is alright. a little plastic piece near his wheel got a bit twisted but he twisted it back. the other guy has no paint left on his bumper. i go in to get mike a coke and directions while amanda and mike take care of the accident. i get the directions and mike is just staring at his car saying "i have a concert to go to". he was kind of helpless. amanda and i exchange info with the lady, whos husband was driving. he never got out of the car. what the hell? turns out they didnt have insurance on them, so we just exchanged phone numbers. we get back on the short cut and we realize that the car in front of us is the car that hit us. awkward. its now 7:30....the concert started. we get back on 69 and go 100 mph through to auburn hills. we miss most of the mars volta, but i caught the last three songs. i was somewhat satisfied.
so we get to the palace and thank mike for the ride and start going in. on my way in i see this kid john who i was stuck in toledo with over christmas break on my way home. what are the odds of that ever happening? oh and by this time brendan hasnt called us back or acknowledged our calls. so i say hi to him and ask him if he's heading towards lansing. he says no and he doesnt know anyone who is. damnit. well it was nice to see a cute familiar face. we get to our seats and we think we're in the right section. as soon as we get to the section a wall of pot hits us like no other. im pretty sure i had a nice contact high going. which was nice during mars volta. crazy lighting. there is this girl blown off her mind dancing in the stairs like a complete hippy. arms flailing and all. i start conversing with the potheads around us seeing if we can get a ride....theyre all high school kids. i felt dirty. so turns out we were in the wrong section ...217 instead of 218. it was dark. oh well. so we get to our right seats and i offer a kid a cigarette for a ride back to lansing. heh he declines. so in between acts we decide to do a circle around the palace to see if we can find anyone to give us a ride home. we see a few state shirts but theyre all drunk and holding more beers. so we decide not to ask. then guess who we should bump into! brendan and his douche bag friends. theyre high as hell. and ignoring us. we keep trying to ask Odie, the driver, if we can get back to state with them and he kind of ignores us. fuckers. we keep looking. we decide to go back to our seats and make friends. no one around us is going to lansing. we enjoy the red hot chili peppers. great show. i see john again....kind of start making out with him at the top of the section. heh. so we're leaving at the end of the show and start just asking people if theyre going to east lansing. no one is. and those who are, are drunk men. yea...not a good idea. so the people are dwindling and we decide that we have to call a cab. we have guest services call a cab for us from detroit to east lansing. at this point i mention that if this was the 70s we would be in a van heading home by now. everyone agrees with me. damn for me being born in the wrong time. this is at 11 pm. the cab didnt come until 12:30am. we start talking to the people who are putting equipment and merchandise away. while we're waiting for the cab brendan texts me:
"got a ride i assume?"
"no we're waiting for a cab"
"oh why didnt you call again?"
"because the last times we were ignored and forwarded to voicemails"
"we were so messed up, we didnt know which way was up"
"yea well it was still shitty"
"sorry...."
i will rip his tiny head off of his body next time i see him. so finally the cab comes a good hour and a half later. its this mexican guy who has never been to lansing. we tell him to take 75 n to 69 w. we just got here this way. trust us. no. he decides to call his trucker friend on how to get to lansing. he tells him to go on 96 and go through ann arbor. well thanks thats a good hour out of our way. we end up getting lost in detroit. we stop at a gas station between 7 and 8 mile. on the door is a snapalope, from the slim jim commercials. i want to take a picture. there is a guy just chilling at the door staring at us. i know better than to make eye contact and all that stuff. so amanda locks the door and we cant lock the back doors since the locks are missing from the car completely. so im holding it closed....then two more guys come near the car just staring at us. we keep our heads down. then the cab driver comes back thankfully. oh and i got a picture of the snapalope. sweet. so he goes the way we told him to in the beginning. we get home around 3:30am. we were freezing in the taxi. and he kept farting. so grateful to be home. we get home. order food since we hadnt eaten since lunch that day. then pass out. what a crazy night.
moral of the story-- it costs $125 for a cab from detroit to east lansing. "
you really can only get away with this shit in college. rhcp played under the bridge. i was happy. it was a crazy night.
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[Thursday
October 19th, 2006
4:35pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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im upset. i really wish you had the manhood to call me and say "sorry my girlfriend has my balls in her hands again, so we wont be friends anymore. i wont call, you wont call, we cant be stupid pirates anymore. oh and we also cant see the mars volta either, so youre on your own w. that one" my pschyologist told me to open up to people, since thats my one great fault. so i opened up to you, and yet again, im upset and wishing i had done what i would have normally. i keep getting kicked down after i try. i wonder how many kicks to the stomach i can stand before i swallow my own blood. on another note-- i need a backrub. like you would not believe. i hurt so much. id also like to have a guy who can give me a backrub, since i cant afford the measly 45$ to go get one on my own. i despise money, or lack thereof. im kind of sick of always ending up alone. but i know that thats how most people are, some are just better actors than others.
im still upset.
my computer has a virus, so i have no AIM anymore. i cant redownload it.
my phone turned to shit. i get a new one tomorrow.
my W key sticks like a mother. i hate the letter doubleU.
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| im back moey foeys |
[Saturday
September 2nd, 2006
2:28pm] |
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amanda and i are officially moved into our room. its so old fashioned and ivy is crawling everywhere on the building. i love it. we've moved from the city part of msu to the suburbs. starting to see old friends and make new ones. i dont miss being home that much at all. i miss three people from ny but i talk to them practically everyday so its like theyre still there. amanda and i bought a hookah. i personally just like to watch the smoke crawl from my mouth lying down on the hard carpeted laminate floor. we have a pet bunny named charlie. he likes to eat just about everything. my german homework has taken a beating from him. oh yea, im learning german. its easier than other languages to learn for me, but im still struggling a bit. by the way, german is the least sexy accent i have ever heard. i feel like a big fat angry mother wearing a mumu when i speak it. broom in hand, waiting to give a beating. things are falling back into place. im happy. that is all.
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| losing all hope was freedom |
[Saturday
August 19th, 2006
3:08am] |
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music |
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watching fight club |
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i feel like i know why the battered beaten wife always goes back to her husband...
sometimes you just feel like you have something thats worth more than what anyone else has.
things have been smoothed over by chels and i. we just werent ready to lose each other. i dont think we'll ever be.
on another note-- my cousin from chicago came up to syracuse for her last week of summer. needless to say i had no idea what to do with her because i find syracuse suicidal. i took her shopping, , took her to the 1000 islands for pirate weekend, powned a putt-putting course, did henna, and took her to her first show. it was the outline, envy on the coast, forgive durden and saosin. i think it was a pretty good first show. now im the cool cousin and what not. which is fine by me. i cant wait to get back to michigan. back to my life. school has got me worried because my transfer credits havent gone through yet and i dont have enough to start my accounting sequence without them. being an accounting major this makes me shit myself. and counselors are no help whatsoever. i got an interview with msu's concessions. i really need this job, and now im not so sure i want it anymore. im really sick of working with food, but it pays better than most student jobs. this semester i really plan on just not giving a shit about other people anymore. not so much in the matter of caring for them, but thinking of what they say or how they may influence the things that i want to do. thats tiring. id like to make a few more close friends. all i have are amanda and chandra. maybe mark. who knows. id also like really long hair. we'll see what comes first.
im sweating my balls off so im going to go lay down by the fan. for the rest of my time home i plan on cleaning, packing, staying outside and having a one last great time with my friends for the summer.
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| canada isnt looking so bad..... |
[Monday
August 14th, 2006
8:04pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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my sharona_tntlly |
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im sooo sick of hearing of katrina. honestly.
no one needs another tv special honoring the people who had to stay there. thats all we give to the victims of that hurricane. what are they going to do with a tv special? tape it for the fond memories? say, here's an idea-- lets get on the issue of the national minimum wage. are you people really that stupid that you cant figure out WHY the people had to stay there? try living on a national minimum wage check, week to week, with a family to provide for and lets see how much you can save up for an emergency. oh its horrible, i understand, but its sickening that we arent doing anything for them, something that could actually help these people. bush doesnt care about black people? eh, not really. but he sure as hell doesnt give a shit about you if you make less than 60 grand a year.
raise the minimum wage. lets stop this from happening again.
or would you guys just like to sit on your nice comfy couch and watch another touching tv special?
[btw- i helped raise michigan's minimum wage. wasnt that hard. lets get out there!!]
ps. can we PLEASE stop making money off of 9/11? that in itself is another topic that disturbs me. i refuse to see that movie at any costs.
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| realizations mean alot |
[Sunday
July 16th, 2006
9:26pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
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i have been hurt alot. so much so that ive blocked my heart from receiving much of anything that could result in love or pain. i do want to get hurt. i do. im just scared that my capacity to do so is gone.
i dont know how to start breaking down that wall. its hard to break something down if you dont know how its built or what its made of.
i feel as though i need to find someone else who willing to help with the construction first. to be able to deal with my present unability to let myself become vulnerable, who knows that i want to love him, but its going to be difficult. i swear im worth the effort and pain. at least i now know that much. i am worth it. and thats quite an improvement.
but then im always scared of after its all said and done. and i no longer have a wall. he'll say goodbye. you werent worth it. and then a fence will start to be built again.
but thats life isnt it.
id like to experience it.
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[Sunday
July 9th, 2006
11:41pm] |
shows are the best thing about a summer.
taking back sunday
emanuel x2
story of the year
receiving end of sirens
circa fucking survive
days away
say anything
pistolita
you in series
will hoge
!!!!!!!!
up next....the format, heavyheavylowlow, fear before, and saosin. fuck yes.
six weeks till michigan. i cant wait.
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| i just needed to say something. to someone. anyone. |
[Tuesday
May 23rd, 2006
12:44am] |
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mood |
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bitter |
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music |
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computer humming |
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im home for three months.
within the first three weeks i have found that there is nothing left for me here.
its very depressing. and not in the metaphorical way, i really have gone back to my depressing ways. last time i felt this way was 10th grade through half of 12th. i hate to talk to people about it because i feel as if im a burden. and last time i felt this way people told me to stop being so damn stupid. well i cant fucking help it. sorry. so here is my word vomit;
i feel alone. like i have no one. everyone else is so wrapped up in their own lives with boyfriends, jobs, crushes, all of which i have none to relate to with them. i miss michigan. i miss my new friends. none of my old friends really care for me as they used to. i never was happy with new york. now i am unemployed, bored out of my mind, and have alot of books that i wanted to read, but now have no desire to do so. i am broke with a credit card bill in a month. ive never had a boyfriend, and now that i want one and cant find one, i am feeling that i am going to be this way forever. such strong feelings for a 19 year old girl. thats what i hate. i have such strong feelings. its crazy. i suppress them. and then a few months later they come out in a blog that strangers read.
ive started smoking. ill stop.
i guess i just wanted to say that im alone.
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